Hi there:
I hope this message finds everyone enjoying good health and a peace of mind.
After last issue's mammoth piece, here's a less demanding read, although I believe the story to be no less important.
Author Wisteria profiles three men from three different generations who navigate the difficult emotional terrain that comes with becoming a professional domestic helper.
The essay was first published in Chinese by We Are People with Stories on April 6. All names mentioned in the story are aliases.
Take care and see you soon.
—ML
Swallowing Male Pride and Thriving as a Domestic Helper
By Wisteria
Edited by XXN
Preface
The profession of nanny is typically dominated by women in popular perception. That's because in traditional Chinese thinking, women are more adept at household chores, cooking and raising children, while men excel at physical labor. Plus nannies spend the whole day at their employers' homes. For male employers who are rarely at home, male nannies pose an additional security risk of theft and sexual assault, which is why female nannies come off as the safer bet.
But as values diversify, male nannies have gradually entered into public view.
Some clients prefer men because they are more straightforward and work more efficiently. Others feel that a male nanny are a better match for an elderly man or a bedridden male patient.
Where there's demand, there's a market. Male nannies are gathering steam, flashing a shining armor in the domestic services market.
1.
Forty-two-year-old Xu Qianming is a veteran male nanny with six years of experience.
Recalling how he joined the industry, Xu said it was a mix of necessity and serendipity.
The victim of an industrial accident on a construction site, he was in no shape for heavy physical exertion anymore.
There he was, a farmer who had neither technical know-how, education credentials nor connections. Meanwhile, he had two elderly parents to support and children still attending junior and senior high. The tiny plot of land he farmed in his hometown couldn't support an entire family. He was desperate for a job to make ends meet.
Around the same time his younger cousin, who ran a domestic services company in Changsha, came to the rescue, calling with an invitation to work for him.
Xu Qianming had long heard from his cousin that hourly domestic work paid well. Now that he couldn't do anything else, after conferring with his family briefly, he packed a few set of clothes and cast his lot with his cousin.
When he got to his cousin's company, his cousin asked in a furtive tone: "Big brother, I've got a gig here that's extremely lucrative. You interested?"
"Your big brother—every bodily function of mine is in dire need of cash. As long as I don't break the law, I'll do anything!" Xu Qianming responded with a resigned smile.
"Alright then. I have a client who's looking for a live-in male nanny. The pay is 13,000 yuan (US$1,923) a month. You'll be in charge of cooking, laundry and cleaning house, plus you have to take care of an elderly person who's had a stroke. You in?" Xu's cousin cut to the chase.
"I'll be perfectly honest with you, big brother. The upside of this gig is the high salary. You'll be living with your employer, so you'll be saving on expenses. The client is well-off. You'll be living in a fancy villa, shielded from the elements of nature. It's way better than daily wage labor. But the patient is an obese old lady. Word has it she's about your mom's age, although she weighs 75-plus kilograms. She's stuck in bed and can't take care of herself. You'll have to turn her over, wipe and rinse her body, change her diapers and what not. So give it some thought. If you're not up for it, I'll ask someone else."
Xu's cousin was a straightforward character, listing the pros and cons of the job clearly. He said he noticed that Xu Qianming was good at housework, was a decent cook and could also drive—a perfect match for his client. That's why Xu came to mind instantly.
Deep down, Xu Qianming was torn. How did that come off—a dignified man handling the piss and soil of a woman? He struggled to overcome the face aspect. Yet when you're poor, your ambitions are inevitably curtailed. Every time he pondered the 13,000-yuan salary, his outrage receded.
He gave himself a pep talk. Humans vie for wealth and birds fight for sustenance. All labor is essentially the same. What's wrong with earning a living with one's own hands? Plus if you do the math, a 13,000-yuan monthly salary translates into an annual income of well over 100,000 yuan--infinitely better than weather-dependent construction work!
With that thought in mind, he snuffed the cigarette in his hand in the ashtray before him furiously. "I'm in!"
"Great. I'll drive you over now." Xu Qianming's cousin got up and grabbed the car keys on the desk.
And thus Xu Qianming found himself stumbling into a new industry. From then on he hunkered down and became a full-time male nanny.
2.
Xu Qianming said with a smile that his first client was a bit of an uncouth noveau riche, although adding he thought well of him. Even though he was rich, the employer was a nice guy who didn't put on airs.
The employer's last name was Wang. He gave Xu Qianming a quick briefing. His daughter was a boarder who showed up for only a few days during her monthly school break. He and his wife worked during the day. If they had a business dinner in the evening, they would call ahead. Xu was in charge of shopping for groceries, meals and basic sanitation. A part-time maid came in weekly for a thorough cleaning.
"Master Xu, these are all minor details. The most important thing is taking good care of my mom." On that note, Wang led Xu Qianming to bedroom on the first floor and pointed to the old woman in bed. "My mom was just discharged from the hospital. In her current condition, she needs constant attention, but we don't have enough time. So many thanks!"
The chubby old woman lying in bed raised her trembling left hand, muttered something and strained to break out a smile.
Even though the stroke had left her face distorted somewhat grotesquely, the kindness in her eyes shined through.
Wang pulled out a sheet of paper from the nightstand next to his mother's bed and handed it to Xu Qianming. On it were details on Mom's drug regimen, instructions on when to turn her over and wipe her down, as well as dietary preferences and restrictions.
Then Wang showed Xu Qianming around the house. When he was done, he looked at his watch, said he had a meeting and took off.
Xu Qianming froze briefly and let his thoughts wander, then took a deep breath and switched to work mode.
He enjoyed doing housework at home, so once he was in character, he eased into the cleanup. He also brewed the old lady's herbal medicine while he was at it.
He was in a groove when a piercing ring startled him. When he focused, he realized it came from the old woman's room. Frantically dropping the mop in his hands, he rushed to the bedroom.
It turned out the old lady had a buzzer installed by her bed, so she could summon the nanny as needed.
Xu Qianming asked her what was wrong. Wearing an awkward expression, the old lady pointed to her bottom and whispered: "Change, change!"
Xu Qianming got the message. The old woman had either pissed or pooped and needed a fresh diaper.
Torn, Xu Qianming stayed put and rubbed his hands. Should he proceed? In all honesty, he barely changed his own kids' diapers. Now that he had to perform the same task for an adult—he didn't know where to begin.
But if he did nothing, how could he justify the 400-plus yuan he was getting paid daily? There was a reason his employer was so generous.
3.
Sensing that Xu Qianming was reluctant, the old lady let out a long sigh. In her eager eyes one could detect a mix of resignation and helplessness.
This horrible condition called a stroke left people unable to control their limbs, even though patients remained of sound mind. Such lack of control was more painful than the condition itself.
Xu Qianming was deeply affected by the scene before him—a woman more or less his mother's age, confined in bed due to illness and unable to even attend to her own basic needs. So he grabbed a basin from underneath the bed, mumbled: "Give me a second. I'm going to get some water," and proceeded to fill the basin with hot water in the bathroom.
The old lady was chubby to begin with, plus the stroke made her body stiff. Her body felt as hardened and heavy as a solid wood pillar. A person with lesser strength couldn't manage the task.
Xu Qianming carefully tore the adhesive tabs on both sides of the old lady's diaper, which unleashed a stinging foul stench. Xu's hands froze. After holding his breath and ignoring the turmoil in his stomach, he moved onto the next step.
He grabbed a few wet napkins before lifting the old lady's legs with one hand and wiping her bottom with the other. Then he removed the soiled diaper and wiped the old lady's butt with warm water. The last step was applying skin lotion and fastening the fresh diaper.
As far as Xu Qianming was concerned, to be perfectly honest, he found a kid's excrement disgusting, let alone an adult's.
His first close encounter had long left him with a deeply upset stomach, but out of respect for the old lady's feelings, he barely arched an eyebrow.
After the deed was done, Xu Qianming ran to the bathroom and puked his guts out. He also washed his hands with liquid soap repeatedly. Only then did he feel somewhat better.
When he re-entered the old lady's bedroom to feed her medication, she tapped him on the back of his hand and stuttered: "Thank... thank you."
The old lady was on the verge of tears. Xu Qianming wondered if she was thanking him for the medication or the diaper change.
"No worries! It's part of the job," he responded. Xu Qianming drew his empathy from the fact that he too could no longer handle construction work because of injury. He pitied the old lady and admonished himself not to look down on her.
He meticulously wiped the drool on the edge of the old lady's mouth while giving himself another pep talk. As the old saying goes, every snake bites. The 13,000 yuan doesn't come without a price. Back in your construction days, even if you busted your ass and endured injury, the most you could make is 7,000 or 8,000 yuan. You'd sing hallelujah if you were employed nine months out of a year. Now you're guaranteed nearly twice your previous monthly salary, rain or shine. What do you have to complain about?
That said, Xu Qianming was still too nauseous to eat dinner that evening. Only with time did he get used to the more off-putting aspects of the job.
Nowadays his diet is unaffected even after cleaning soiled bedsheets by hand. There is no disgust.
He said as long as both employer and nanny are kind to each other, they can get along like family.
It's precisely this approach of treating clients like his own family that has made every employer a fan in recent years and cemented a stellar reputation. As a result, he's never experienced gaps between gigs, never sat idle a single day.
4.
Fifty-year-old Zhang Guoping hasn't been as lucky—he just fired his last employer in anger.
Zhang Guoping's ward was a Mr. Cui, an old man who suffered from a cardiovascular condition. Mr. Cui's children all worked abroad and his wife passed away years ago. He lived alone in a massive flat with four bedrooms. In his own words, the only thing his family didn't lack was money.
Old Man Cui was 73 years old, reportedly a retired senior executive or official. He had a hot temper and was used to talking down to people.
Having been senior management, Old Man Cui looked down on migrant workers from a rural background like Zhang Guoping. He was especially rude to Zhang, forever complaining about his mistakes in a loud voice. Zhang Guoping was used to taking regular verbal beatings.
Yet as abusive as Old Man Cui was, he relied heavily on Zhang Guoping, because he often suffered from low blood sugar and wasn't much of a cook. He needed someone to take care of him.
On one occasion when Zhang Guoping prepared dinner, he made steamed pork chops. When he served the dish, Old Man Cui chucked his chopsticks toward Zhang. He was fed up with steamed pork chops, he fumed, saying he preferred it cooked in soup.
The flying chopsticks caused no physical damage, but the gesture was extremely humiliating. Zhang Guoping quickly explained himself: "Old Man, you have a rather serious case of diabetes. Doctor's orders are that you cut down on soup-based dishes."
"So what if I have diabetes? I know my body the best. If you were so knowledgeable, you wouldn't have to work as a nanny. You'd have some high-paying gig!" On that note, Old Man Cui gave the dining table a resounding slap, insisting on his boycott of steamed pork chops.
In the old man's own words: "The whole point of living is quality food, drink and entertainment. If you can't eat and drink freely, what joy is there to life?"
And this old man who purportedly knew what he was doing often landed himself in the hospital because he couldn't control his diet.
Every time Old Man Cui was hospitalized, Zhang Guoping was doomed. Not only did he have to keep Cui company at the hospital and endure his unpredictable temper, he also had to put up with accusations from Cui's children from abroad.
As far as the children knew, their old man had no trouble eating, sleeping and getting about. Zhang Guoping just had to keep an eye on him. The fact that their old man ended up in the hospital all the time was because Zhang didn't apply himself.
In his defense, Zhang Guoping said the old man was a stubborn one, often forgetting to take his medication because he was too engrossed in a chess date or skipping home meals in favor of braised pork and fatty pork at restaurants.
If he tracked the old man down, Zhang Guoping was bound to be on the receiving end of a tongue lashing. If the old man happened to lose in chess that day, odds are his walking stick might end up in play.
In which case Zhang Guoping simply had no incentive to bother. And thus the old man's blood sugar level would skyrocket again and require hospital treatment.
On one such occasion, Zhang Guoping had taken care of the paperwork and was getting ready to help Old Man Cui settle down in his bed, before heading home to retrieve daily necessities.
Yet the old man kept asking for this and that by the bursar's counter, a drink of water one moment and a toilet run the next, sending Zhang into a tailspin. Before Zhang could leave the hospital, Old Man Cui's daughter called.
Ms. Cui launched into a tirade instantly: "What's wrong with my dad? Why is he in the hospital again? He didn't end up in the hospital all the time in the care of his previous nanny. Have you brought him a change of clothes? Have you showed the doctor his current medication? How come you haven't brought it over yet? I really don't know what we pay you this much for."
5.
Zhang Guoping had heard from another elderly resident of the same housing complex that Old Man Cui's last nanny was a woman. That nanny reportedly did a good job, but Cui's kids were worried that she might seduce Cui into giving away his wealth, so they made up an excuse to fire her and hired Zhang Guoping instead.
There was Ms. Cui giving Zhang Guoping an earful, but before he could offer an explanation, Old Man Cui's walking stick poked his back. "Cut the bullshit! My legs and back are aching. Hurry up!" Cui barked.
If the verbal and physical abuse were the only issue, so be it. What hurt Zhang Guoping the most was Old Man Cui's profound lack of trust.
The old man didn't know how to use a smartphone, so he kept mostly cash at home. And he never lowered his guard against Zhang, constantly pulling out his stash for quick counts.
A few days ago Old Man Cui said he was missing 3,000 yuan. It was nowhere to be found. So he accused Zhang Guoping of stealing it.
Zhang Guoping panicked. "You keep all your cash in your bedroom. The only time I enter your room is to tend to you. I never come in on any other occasion. How could I possibly take the money? Please think hard. Did you put it somewhere else?"
No matter what Zhang said, Old Man Cui insisted on his guilt, even asking Zhang to pay him back. Cui's children also suspected Zhang, dishing out some nasty insults over the phone.
Zhang Guoping naturally refused to take the blame for something he didn't do and bickered with Cui. Eventually Zhang called the police to prove his innocence.
Officers searched the Cui residence thoroughly and found the cash stuck in the gap between Cui's nightstand and the wall.
The cash having been recovered, not only did Old Man Cui not apologize to Zhang, he grumbled with the dismissive wave of the hand and a grunt: "Who knows if you hid the cash there?"
That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Zhang Guoping told Old Man Cui he was quitting.
Cui's children fretted, offering to up Zhang's monthly salary from 10,000 yuan to 12,000.
Still, Zhang Guoping packed his belongings and left. Even though he was just a nanny, he was only putting up his labor for sale—not his dignity. The Cui family was so disrespectful he refused to work for them anymore regardless the offer.
6.
Longjun, who was born in the 1990s, belongs to a new generation of nannies.
After graduating from university, Longjun worked several jobs, but none of them were to his liking. By chance he spotted a domestic services company recruiting for a male nanny at a job market. The starting offer was 10,000 yuan plus a month.
Shocked, he rubbed his eyes to make sure his vision wasn't blurred. When he ascertained the offer, he decided to apply and see how things played out.
The owner of the domestic services company said a client was looking for a nanny who could not only cook and drive, but also tutor children. In particular, applicants had to have passed the national College English Test-6 geared at undergraduates. Ideally, they also knew how to draw and play an instrument or two.
Lord! This isn't a job ad for a nanny—it's for a Renaissance man!
Longjun's parents are both rural migrant workers and children from poor backgrounds tend to come of age earlier. Longjun has been a stellar student since he was a kid, he was an ace cook and had wide-ranging interests to boot.
He was curious what kind of family would set such high standards for a nanny, so he outrageously demanded a monthly pay of 20,000 yuan. Lo and behold, the client agreed to give it a try.
And thus in a spirit of exploration Longjun stumbled his way into the industry, becoming a nanny for the female CEO of a cosmetics firm.
His boss was a divorcee by the last name of Shen. She had a 10-year-old son in fourth grade.
Besides housework, Longjun's duties also included driving the son to and from school, tutoring him and serving as a reading companion.
Perhaps it was because Boss Shen divorced early and thus depriving the kid of a father since a young age, or because Shen had a busy work schedule, but the son was quite sensitive, introverted and a bit timid. He spoke with the volume of a mosquito, coming off as shier than the average girl.
Before Longjun's arrival, the kid was a picky eater and procrastinated on his homework. He also suffered from poor health, succumbing to colds and coughs frequently.
After Longjun was hired, the boy developed a natural affinity to the handsome young man who joined the household. Longjun's broad knowledge base only added to the admiration and soon the kid became a full-fledged fanboy.
Every morning, Longjun took the kid for a one-lap jog on the perimeter of their residential complex. Both showered after the run and while the kid did a bit of reading, Longjun made breakfast.
Under Longjun's guidance, the boy gradually became more cheerful and upbeat. His health and grades also improved significantly.
Boss Shen was delighted. She treated Longjun like a younger brother, never acting from a position of authority.
The kid became increasingly reliant in Longjun, even demanding that he attend parent-teacher conferences at school. With gleaming eyes, the tiny face looked up at Longjun and said: "Big Brother, all my classmates have their dads show up. My dad hasn't attended a single time. Everyone says I'm a stray kid without a father. Big Brother, can you pretend to be my dad and show up once, please?"
Longjun didn't have the heart to say no to those imploring eyes. He went to the next parent-teacher meeting. To better keep track of the kid's progress at school, he also ended up scanning the QR code for and joining the WeChat group for the parents of the boy's class.
Little did he expect his appearance to stir a great deal of controversy. Some parents accused him of being a young loafer who was Boss Shen's kept boy. He began drawing odd stares when he dropped off and picked up the boy at school.
Longjun had once subtly brought up the profession of male nanny to his family. His infuriated parents stood up in protest. Why should a proud man who isn't disabled stoop so low? they wondered. Why can't you do something else?
Alarmed, Longjun decided to lie and say he worked at a big company.
Longjun feels torn to see old classmates talk about their jobs openly. He's hardly less competent or the lesser student. Did he have to be a nanny his whole life?
He earned just as much as his classmates and the Shen family was kind to him. What exactly amounted to true success?
There's a reason behind the existence of every job. Due to various factors, male nannies are generally paid more than female ones. This much-debated position is bound to find popular acceptance as social mores improve.